When the “solution” to a difference is to “agree to disagree,” a principle and a relationship have been compromised. When an issue is at hand and we are debating it, there is also some principle at hand. If the debate moves to emotional “blood letting,” one or both of us is “out there” flapping with emotion and probably not much substance.

For example, when 9/11/01 dawned, some of us were gung ho for America, some of us were frustrated about America, and some of us did not think about it much one way or the other. As the destruction of the twin towers begin to show that America was clearly under attack, it is interesting to note that even the naysayers for one, blessed, brief period were hushed. There was no argument, no debate. When I saw the Congress of The United States come together sing God Bless America, I thought many things but not once did, “Well, we can agree to disagree…” come to mind. The principle of what had happened was clear. Freedom was under siege and on American soil.

Given time and human limited reasoning powers, slowly we began to debate what side we were on when it came to issues of principle that related to the heinous attack. Yet, the constant did not change. Freedom comes at the price of sacrifice. Principles don’t change. America stands for freedom.

Many do not act on principle but on political “best” for any given situation. Is “agree to disagree” a good compromise? Depends on the motives of your heart. The answer is yes it is a good compromise if you realize you are saying clearly to the other person that your connection to them is limited, that the two of you are not of like mind. I am not sure I spend a great deal of time wondering if I am of like mind with distant connections in life but I am always attuned and interested to where I stand with people in that circle of 1- 5 whom I call close relationships.

When you are of like mind, like spirit, like values, it is worth talking it out and seeking the truth together. In fact, it is the reason the relationship can grow. “Agree to disagree” is a relationship “stunter” at best. Like trust, when we cannot talk through an issue with another person, the communication, relationship, connection, and trust are frayed. Rebuilding can happen only if we come to the mutual understanding that “agree to disagree” is not a sought end.

So many partnerships, friendships, family relationships, and marriages split on just this point. Standing for principles in the face of the easy, relationship-damaging-cop-out “agree to disagree” is replete with surface, only-in-the-good-times” connections. When things get tough and issues are bigger than life, it is just too easy leave a mess on the relationship table that may never get sorted out.

Friends, partners, spouses, business associates, et al., will at some time disagree on something. The potential growth of the relationship underneath any of those human connections rests in whether each is willing persevere and “work it out” or lightly say we’ll “agree to disagree” – the ultimate door closer.

Back to the 9/11 aftermath inferred above, don’t ask me to agree to disagree with you about the Iraq war. If you believe in the principles of freedom, you agree that America should remain free. Think rather than emote and you may find as I have that there is little room for “agree to disagree” in deep, meaningful relationships; there is plenty of room in the ones that never do more than hover on the surface. If we can’t talk it out and base conversations on our agreement of principles, we have a diminutive connection. Frankly, those are a “dime a dozen.” Cherish and nurture courageously the important, deep relationships in your life. It’s worth those hard looks in the mirror when you realize you may be the one who has “gone off” emotionally without remembering the underlying principle you regret having “left behind” even if but for a moment.

Ahhh, there’s the struggle… pride. Well, think of it this way, if you can “get over yourself” and stay with the relationship that “brung you,” there is much joy, love, and forgiveness to lift you up and move you forward once more. Growing is so much more fun than stagnating.