I was participating in a group study and the subject of “difficult” people came up.  Every one agreed that the problem seemed to have few real, long-term answers, that no matter what you tried with these annoying behaviors, the “fix”  renders itself temporary at best. The group leader was a former thug (gangs and mayhem).  He had “seen the light” realized his life was going nowhere fast and reformed to become a now focused on living as a model citizen and patriot.  A thought occurred to me and I voiced it:

“What was the motivation for wanting to beat up others, hurt them in some way, behave badly?”

His answer was amazing to me:

“There was no beginning motivation; the “urge to kill” lies there ready to spew forth.”

I continued:

“Did  the destruction lessen of the anger, that is, to attack someone or someone’s property? Did exercising the anger make you happy?”

He replied:

“Honey, I did not know what happy was.  I was never satisfied; whatever the action, it was never enough. That was the problem.  Somehow, the ever-present “boiling” was never extinguished.  When I saw someone that did not have that anger, I wanted to hurt them because they did not have  the unrest I had.  If I had to live that way; so should others.  I might not be able to “be happy” but I could sure take down someone else to suffer with me.”

WOW!  I saw the bleep of dysfunctional use of the normal need for human significance and human connection. I sat there stunned for a moment.  Then, based on my coaching and consulting practice, that is, previous observations of others who live with that ever-present anger, ever-ready to erupt at the slightest thing, I asked: “Did you have mood swings?”

The resounding answer was, “Honey, I lived in mood swings.  It was exhausting.”

Some of the really difficult people in your life at home or at work cannot come to the place you would like them to come because they cannot face down the fear they cannot understand in themselves. (Remember: Anger is a secondary emotion to Fear.)  Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real – I understood that on a whole new level.  The thug thought fear was all there was and it appeared his only option, of course, not true to those not caught in fear’s (anger’s) grip.

I left the group that night lifted up and determined to be more dedicated to realizing fear-based behavior and that unless the person chooses to seek out and destroy that fear (no one can do this alone), the continued option in handling them is to use coping mechanisms that do work but only temporarily.  This is not to say that stop encouraging all to see the fear and defeat it with logic and reality, but do lessen any personal fear of the continuing troublesome behaviors. Realize personal limits while urging the person in “difficult” behaviors to “hear” the possibility of non-fear based living.

The decision from a supervisor or manager is to first determine that you are not the one in fear.  Then calculate how much time it is worth to keep a chronically difficult person on the team.  Make the decision based on your responsibility to the team, not a false sense that you will keep someone who is damaging team morale but that you can surely “fix.”  Come into the real world, make a right decision in the right manner (exit interview, offer counseling or coaching, set deadlines for expected changed behavior … another subject but there are some starter ideas.)

As a parent or a family member, decide it is worth continuing to show by your actions that fear is not the better way and when you see a crack, offer to go with the person to seek the truth from wisdom of the ages or good counseling based on the same wisdom.

As a teacher, view the “difficult” student with love that demands more than other kids demand of you but is a part of your opportunity to change a young mind’s direction but not head-on; this is an unseen not a seen dilemma. StrengthBank® For HIgh Schools – A Relationship Skills Initiative works as an aid to teachers in the high school.

As a neighbor, little acts of kindness MIGHT draw them into a conversation rather than a physical fight.  No guarantees; but your efforts keep you whole, not divided into fear, anger, or frustration.

Bottom line, understanding the nature of the thug (difficult, angry, dysfunctional) behavior helps you cope without becoming a partner to the fear that causes such unhappiness and disdain for others.  The real battle is in the unseen.  Quit trying to “fix” it with “seen” vehicles or your healthy circle of fellowship might become tainted with your accepted frustration.

Cope … learn to cope until a healing takes place, just don’t count on the healing.  If healing does come, consider it a blessing and rejoice.  Otherwise, keep moving on and taking in those who will move to the “light” with you.  Those are the folks that help you keep strong for the difficult ones who may never join the joy party.